I really want to make it clear (she writes nervously), when I started this website, I definitely did not want it to become a male bashing site, which I really don't think it has and that all vents that arrive to me are anonymous so a) don’t shoot the messenger and b) even for a bribe I cannot give you their addresses! However, whilst compiling the Top 7 Vents about Spouses, I have noted, the women folk have had more to say about their male spouses than vice versa. Maybe it’s just that more women use this site to vent their frustrations. Perhaps men vent directly to those concerned, so I say to them, ‘Are you mad???'
Whatever the reason, my Top 7 appear to be dominated with vents against hubbies, with only two vents against the wives making it to the top. So, here are the Top 7 Vents about Spouses on my secret-vent website.
The Dreaded Man Flu
Unlike any other strain of the flu virus, this one renders you near death. Unable to move, man must be fed and watered regularly and given full use of the tv remote, no questions asked. Please keep all noise to a minimum and juggle the kids quietly. Do not, I repeat, do not, attempt to rush the recuperation period. Gentle caresses are good, tutting is not. Oh, and in some cases sex actually does help….
I cannot comment on this 'disease' as thankfully I am unable to contract it, perhaps a male- perspective on this could enlighten us?
It’s simple guys, just put the lid down. Not difficult and far nicer to look at, especially when you’ve sprinkled. Vent over but no doubt not finished.
The age-old argument about lid up or down is always with us, maybe the issue really is about aiming, I mean then it wouldn’t matter if you didn’t put it up to pee, just a suggestion mind…
Are you Hormonal?
No! I’m not. I’m angry to the point of steam billowing out of my ears. You have been a raving pillock for a week and that one question is actually guaranteed to make me stick a fork in your eye.
It’s a man get out clause. ‘Oh dear she’s upset with something I’ve done, but I’ve not done anything really, it must be hormones. I know, I’ll ask her that when she is in a fit of rage, that’ll make her feel better and like I understand’
Another question guaranteed to get your head torn off, please do not ask this, even if you suspect this might be the cause as it may result in you losing a limb. Look I’m just trying help you out here.
Why does my wife not understand that it’s not a critique of her when I say things, its more constructive criticism? For example, do you like my hair like this? No. I’m saying no because it looks bloody awful. Does this make me look fat? Yes. Because it does. Constructive criticism. Simple and to the point. Learn it.
Now this is one from the men, and I do really understand this. We ask a question and you answer it truthfully, simple right? Wrong, many females do not want to hear the truth unfortunately. So, unless the question requires an answer that can prevent life or death, embellish the truth, it’s again for your own safety, you’re welcome.
Welcome to my World of KIDS
Ok, so we get back from a wonderful day at the beach with the kids. Tiring but fun. Beach is no longer a relaxing place for adults with kids. Its lifeguard/clown day and its very tiring, but worth it for the kids smiles. We head home and get in and as we begin to unpack and bring stuff in I notice that I am no longer passing my husband on the trips back and forth to the car. Anxious that I must complete this task so I can get the kids, fed and into bed at a reasonable hour I look for said hubby. Laying on couch knackered! Come on I say, let’s just get this done so we can BOTH sit down. I just need 20 mins, he replies! 20 mins?! 20 mins?! You don’t even get 2 mins when kids are involved. Get up and help. I can’t, I pooped. Conclusion. Females are definitely the stronger species.
Now again, don’t shoot the messenger here, this vent is from a mum, and from the feedback it got, she wasn’t alone. However, perhaps your partner/wife does the same, it might just be the person not the gender? Let us know!
Why are men deaf? Is it a condition? It definitely starts young because my sons already can’t hear me. I know the word candy works with my son, and sex works with my husband (men candy). They also, the grownup variety, seem unable to hear baby cries at night, totally deaf to it. Oh to have such an ‘impairment’. I desire male deafness. I’m gonna start practicing it today, pardon?
This one did make me giggle, largely because my 10-year-old son is so deaf already it’s crazy. I call for tea, nothing, I call him to get his shoes on nothing, I call him for breakfast nothing, then when I scream for him to come downstairs, he’s all, ok no need to shout mum, chill! Do you genuinely not hear? I am so interested in this seeing as I have two sons and I am losing my voice some days. Any advice would be gladly taken.
Us men are very simple creatures and it is fascinating to understand how we are the cause of so many ‘vents’…
If we say we will cook dinner it generally means we will order take-out or perhaps take you out to dinner – a good result!
If we say we will drive, it generally means that we will order a cab in order that we can take you out for dinner – a good result!
If we say we will pay the bills, it generally means we will ignore the bill in order to treat you to fine dining, clothes or a holiday – a good result!
If we say we will clean the car, it generally means we will take it to the valet service in order that we can spend time with the boys teaching them the tactical attributes required to be a professional sportsman – a good result!
If we say we will take out the garbage, it generally means we will leave it until it is impossible to squeeze any further rubbish in, generally meaning the bag will split, items will fall out and we end up paying for our laziness through added chores – a result that lets you have the upper hand and ‘I told you so’ comments.
If we say we will take the dogs for a walk, it generally means we need to find the secret stash of cigarettes before leaving the house – a result that you have already visualized, found the cigarettes and snapped resulting in you having the upper hand and more finger wagging opportunities.
If we say we are not going to do something that you have told us to do, it generally means that we are at potential breaking point and require some bromance time – a result that will see us leave the house, get drunk, allow you to lock us out or make us sleep on the couch – a very good result.
If we say something we will do, but don’t do it, it probably means that we have already done it and are testing the water to assess the resulting damage, or we are generally testing the water – a good result for you to gain insight into the very shallow aspects of our thought process and ensure we don’t do it again or banish the thought from our pea sized brains.
If we don’t say anything, ignore your comments, irk you to the point of divorce, then it is probably time to consider your options…the man is broken and will be no further use to you, or anyone – a good result meaning potential alimony payments, a house just for you and the kids and the opportunity to start afresh and mould another specimen.
In short, our outlook is pretty straightforward and easy to understand – HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE…we aim to please but kind of get it wrong (most of the time) not through trying but just because we are men and we cannot compute some of elements of life.
And finally, one from the men folk. Quite a nice one to sum up the thought processes that some of the previous vents have issues with. Can’t say I fully get it but at least we know there is some though process behind it all.
So, there you have it, secret-vent's top 7 vents against spouses. I hope that made for an enlightening read for some.