You’ve got to give it up to the directors of diaper commercials. They show the lighter side of parenting. Soft, sweet, and often sleeping babies who would never do anything weird, frightening, or just downright dangerous. Often times I catch myself smiling at the TV when these commercials air, thinking, ‘Sure! Why not? Let’s have another!’ But then my 3-year-old saunters in wearing nothing but cowboy boots and my brand-new sunglasses and starts peeing behind the couch. NEVER AGAIN.

Sure, I have had some of the most beautiful moments as the mother of two smart, funny and loving little humans, but those aren’t the moments I want to write about. I want to write about the things you can’t prepare for, the times my kids have thrown me under the bus, and the things I never in a million years thought I would ever say.

So here is a list of actual statements that came out of my mouth while parenting my 5-year-old daughter and my 3-year-old son.

Top 5 Things I Never Thought I Would Say:

5. “Would you please hold onto your eyeball? I’m not going to fish it out from under the couch, again.”

4. “Listen, I don’t know why we only have two nostrils and only one butthole, but you can’t fight science.”

3. “I am not going to lotion your pits, and you can’t make me.”

2. “Alright, who’s poop is this and why is it on the floor?”

1. “Stop trying to put LEGOs up my butt!”

As you can see, parenting can also be messy, funny, and somewhat alarming, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world, except… perhaps a LEGO up the butt. Nah, not even that!

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