Birth order can affect a child’s personality and development. That’s why many can relate to oldest child syndrome — including myself. I experienced firsthand the ups and downs of being the eldest among many siblings. Knowing what I know now, I do my best to help my young son nurture the opportunities it presents and minimize the challenges.
What Is Oldest Child Syndrome?
Oldest child syndrome refers to the realities experienced only by firstborn children. Although the eldest siblings grow up in different environments, they develop many of the same tendencies because they are the only child and receive undivided attention from parents for a period.
Having a Strong Sense of Responsibility
Firstborns usually serve as third parents to young siblings. Early responsibility can accelerate maturity and shape adult behavior.
The oldest are the most reliable to help around the house because they’re more mature physically and mentally than the rest. When no adults are around, they supervise the others and keep them in line. They feel they must ensure nobody gets hurt and the house remains intact. Their sense of duty can cause them to be overly protective of their siblings.
However, receiving too many duties can overwhelm the eldest kids. Being preoccupied with something may become second nature to them, making it difficult to relax. They may associate downtime with unproductiveness, causing them to feel guilty about taking time for themselves. They might prioritize their duties before themselves, making them less expressive and more prone to distress.
Assuming the Leadership Role
Occupying a position of authority from an early age compels firstborns to gravitate toward leadership roles. Living with one or many siblings allows them to practice problem-solving, critical thinking, time management, communication and other vital skills that effective leaders must have.
Being in charge of younger children regularly can cause them to be assertive and appear bossy. Aggressive demeanor and confrontational language may repel their peers.
Being Super Obedient
The eldest children make good leaders because they are good followers — sometimes to a fault. They typically receive validation from their parents for being responsible, carrying the desire to seek approval as they grow up. This tendency can make them a stickler for compliance, which may cause them to approach life more cautiously.
Having High Expectations
Firstborns are usually conscientious kids, causing them to be demanding. They expect a lot from others because they aim to achieve high standards in many aspects of life.
This internal drive makes them more prone to disappointment. Their stress levels can shoot up when their expectations are unmet, making them reluctant to delegate tasks. The oldest children can be too hard on themselves and may harbor feelings of inadequacy when they fall short of their self-imposed goals.
Striving for Perfection
Perfectionism is a textbook oldest-child trait. Firstborns feel they should be positive role models for their younger siblings, so the eldest ones tend to be averse to mistakes and fear failure.
Doing Well in School
Responsible, conscientious kids with leadership qualities who play by the rules tend to be straight-A students. They may demonstrate fast cognitive development and early school readiness, and their upbringing gives them a leg up on academic excellence.
How to Mitigate Oldest Child Syndrome
Oldest child syndrome comes with good and bad characteristics, but the negatives may outweigh the positives when left unchecked. These tips can help you raise your firstborn into a well-adjusted adult.
Assign Age-Appropriate Responsibilities
Children who learn to feel accountable for tasks and to schedule around them grow up dependable and productive. They own up to their mistakes and appreciate the value of hard work.
However, responsibilities should be manageable and fun, not burdensome. Your firstborn is still a kid, so let them be. At the same time, you should give them tasks that suit their age to avoid inundating them with responsibilities.
Be specific about what you want. Offer instructions without imposing rigid rules to encourage them to think creatively.
Make it clear that your kid should do what they can to build positive habits, but give them room to breathe. Most importantly, avoid expecting perfection.
Express Gratitude
Being stingy with praise can make your oldest insecure and attention-seeking. Acknowledge their responsibilities while they’re doing them. This way, they can feel good about being helpful and less need to be a pleaser.
Commend your child’s efforts. This trick teaches them they can accomplish things with perseverance, instilling a growth mindset.
Grant Privileges
Being overburdened with duties relative to younger siblings can breed resentment. Neutralize any displeasure by rewarding them with special rights in exchange for the extra things they do for you.
Keep your word to prevent your oldest from bearing a grudge against you. If you fail to deliver on your promise, make it up to your child to re-earn their trust.
Moderate Expectations
Trying to be someone younger siblings should emulate can put considerable pressure on your firstborn. This nagging feeling can make them chronically stressed and anxious. One error can make them feel like a failure for not living up to the idea of an ideal child in the house.
Although you should encourage your eldest to behave accordingly, avoid holding every mistake they make against them. Be lenient because they’re still a child.
Let immaterial oversights slide, and watch your language when speaking with them about a shortcoming. Remove “should” from your vocabulary. Your child can’t go back in time and do things differently. Instead, offer feedback they can use to make better decisions in the future.
Spend Quality, One-on-One Time
Treating your firstborn as an adult among kids can make you forget that you’re still their parent and they’re still a child themselves.
Make time to get to know your oldest as a person. Learning about their likes, dislikes, interests and passions. Love them for who they are and embrace their individuality. Your eldest may require less supervision than others, so giving them your undivided attention during your time together will mean the world to them.
Protect Your Firstborn From Oldest Child Syndrome
Oldest child syndrome is born out of parents’ tendency to treat their kids differently. Be mindful of your behavior toward your eldest so they can grow up mentally healthy and happy.