They say 40 is the new 20, but I say 40 can be the new 65 if you believe in yourself and put minimal effort into your daily routine.  Stop spending your money on anti-aging serums and botox and start cashing in on senior discounts and afternoon naps.

People have been asking me for years what my secret is to advanced aging, and I’m finally ready to share these coveted tips with you:

1. Be mindful of the 4 basic food groups – chocolate, booze, diet pop and pizza. Aim for 75% of your daily calories to come from sugar and carbohydrates, and the other 25% should be purely bacon grease and salt.

2. Sun Exposure – get enough daily rays to roast yourself like a turkey. Your goal should be skin that looks like a leather Nutella purse.
3. Water – AVOID that shit at all costs, it tastes awful and it’s unnecessary. Water is to plants as booze is to your body, remember that.

4. Caffeine – consume it in various forms all day long: coffee, tea, pop, chocolate, espresso, chewing coffee beans like tobacco, just get that shit in your body by any means possible. Having it injected directly into your veins via IV would be the most beneficial.

5. Sleep – is for losers, limit it to under 5 hours a night, TOPS; you’ll sleep when you’re dead! (Which will be even sooner if we stick to these 8 laws regularly.)

6. Stress – increase your daily stress levels to at least 110%. If you’re not under a constant state of stress, you’re going to keep that youthful glow we are trying to avoid.  Need more stress in your life? Spend a few hours at a kid’s play place on a Saturday after pumping sugar into your children’s veins.

7. Exercise – don’t bother, you’ll want to spend the majority of your day on your ass or back; it’s best if you can avoid all strenuous activities including walking and standing.

8. Anger management – Channel your inner psycho and just rage, baby. You’re Eminem and the world is your angry rap album. You’re Clark Griswold and you just found out you got a membership to the jelly of the month club instead of a Christmas bonus. We need to permanently engrave those anger lines into your face, baby! (Just try not to get arrested in the process.)

You only live once, but if you follow these steps, before you know it, you’ll be living your best life in a nursing home and wearing diapers while someone feeds you soft foods.

Peace, love and zero fucks. Get it Granny!


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