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The Vasectomy Chronicles Part 1 – We are done having kids.

“When are you having another one?” “Time for another one then?”

“Never” and “is it fuck” are my answer to those two questions. They are of course asked in relation to having more children.

More? More of them? But I already have two!

Off with my nuts then! 

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I declared this when the hospital refused to sterilize the Mrs. after the birth of our second and final child. Being adamant before the baby is born that this will be the last one isn’t good enough.

We both talked about the fact we don’t want any more children. The Mrs had an unfortunate pregnancy with our second and had to have surgery after the birth of our first, so we knew our feelings. We love our children more than anything, but we wouldn’t be able to cope with more than two, financially and mentally. With two, we can do all the things we want to do, and we both always said we would like to have just two children. Plus a Mercedes.

Sadly we don’t have the Mercedes yet. #sadtimes

Booking the Doctors Consult

“I’ll get booked into docs on my week off,” I said once Alice was born. Alice is two at the end of September, and I’ve only just been to tell the doc I want Ronnie and Reggie neutering.

This isn’t because I’m scared. I’m more scared of getting the Mrs pregnant again. It’s mainly because I want to get the most out of my docs appointments, so I like to go with a list of ailments so as not to waste their time. I haven’t needed to go to the docs in almost two years, which is why when I came down the stairs the other day, the Mrs said, “I’ve made you an appointment with a doctor.”

Awesome sauce.

I had already read up on what happens to your boys when you have a vasectomy, so I was happy enough that I wasn’t going to be shocked by anything the doc would say to me. I knew this trip to the docs would only involve me telling the doc about wanting a vasectomy and him putting me on a waiting list somewhere.

That still didn’t stop me from giving the lads a motivational speech while getting ready that morning.

Before I went, the Mrs was giving me lots of “advice” on what to say if the doc tries to talk me out of it, etc. I should point out that at this point, I am 30 years old and have been talking to adults for many years. Admittedly, I haven’t been talking about de-juicing Bonnie and Clyde to anyone, but still.

“I know dear” was my reply. Nobody can talk me out of doing something if I have made my mind up, so the conversation with the doc was only going to go one way.

Off I go to the docs. I sat in the waiting room, and I heard a faint crying sound…

Who is crying? Is it me?

“That’s not my nuts crying, is it?” I thought to myself. Turns out it wasn’t. It was a small child in one of the rooms further down the corridor.

My name was called, “Richard Sayers, room 1 please”, said Dr. Kelly. I feel like this is something I will remember for the rest of my life. After all, it’s not every day you talk to a stranger about your balls.

The Conversation

Dr. Kelly was wearing a red jumper and one of those sleeveless jumper vest things over the top of it. It reminded me of Chandler from Friends. Anyways, I asked If I could be put on the waiting list for a vasectomy. He said that wouldn’t be an issue. He asked if I was sure about not having another child and whether I had discussed it with my wife? How long have I been thinking of this? When I replied, “I was supposed to come two years ago” he smirked and said, “I see.” Classic doctor phrase.

He asked me if I had read up on the procedure, and I said I had. He then told me they would make a humongous incision (his actual words might have been “small incision”) and tie off at two ends. I would be in and out the same day once I have my appointment.

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Hopefully, it won’t be like this

Things you may not know about getting a Vasectomy

You can’t do the heavy lifting for a while after the procedure, and you are still fertile for up to 12 weeks. After which you have to take a sample in for them to check that the procedure has worked.

A piece of piss, I’m thinking to myself. Apart from the sample into a tube and taking it back to the docs part.

“Here you are, love. Where shall I stick this?” This is probably not something I will say. I hope the tube isn’t see-through!

Writing the next part of this post of this series will happen once I have had the procedure. I doubt I’ll be allowed to blog it live.

It all sounds straightforward, and if there are any blokes out there who are a bit nervous about going to the docs about this, then don’t be. By all accounts, it’s a very quick procedure, and you’re under local anesthetic, so you won’t feel anything. Other than several pairs of eyes and the doctor’s breath on your nuts while the procedure is being performed.

No bother.

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Have you had this done before? How did you find it?