We've all had those flashes of parenting genius where we've come up with something truly original and ground-breaking, or mind-bendingly awful. The ideas that follow tread that fine line between brain fart and brain art. I give you parenting inventions at their finest/worst!
Playground Wipes
We've all been there. You race to the local playground, with your beloved offspring, excited to witness their first go on the big swings and you can go on the one next to them, obviously to encourage them and build their confidence and maybe even show them how to swing right over the bar like you definitely did that one time, but oh no! Mother Nature has had other plans and decided to take an almighty piss on your parade. The slides, the swings, and the roundabout are all wetter than a mermaid's minge. But what can you do? Wet wipes ain't gonna cut it, it'd take about 9 just to do one swing. That's where playground wipes come in! Bigger than an ordinary wet wipe, more durable and hard-wearing for those pesky slide stains. The only problem with these is you'll have to put the pack under the pram as they're far too big to fit in any nappy bag!
Plastic Baby-Gros
It's everyone's favourite time of day, arts & crafts time! Glitter, glue, paint, play-dough, glitter, pasta shapes, sequins, glitter, crayons, glitter, you name it, your little ones trying to smush it all onto a tiny piece of card. But that means the top you got them for Christmas could well be ruined. Sure, you COULD put an apron on them, but an apron is easily removed by little hands. And sure, you COULD have just put them in a different top, but dammit, that one had swagger, and if you can't have swagger at arts & crafts, then when can you have swagger? So instead, dress them in a protective (and stylish) suit of plastic armour. Completely wipe-clean, it covers them from head to toe against all manner of mess and muck. And for the full Ned Kelly look, it comes with a plastic bucket helmet as well.
Family/Friends Face Masks
You know the score, your little one is going through an irritating phase of asking for Nanna/Uncle/that postman you said hello to once. Well, never fear! Simply take said person's photograph, and get it printed on a super realistic mask, so that special someone is always on hand to calm baby down. What's better than seeing a reassuring and familiar face when you're upset? Literally nothing.
(We don't accept any claims of psychological damage caused by seeing Grandad's face on Mummy's body and it's all on Daddy if he forgets he's wearing one and little one sees Nanna having a stand-up wee.)
A Supplement That Stops Your Hair From Growing (Anti-Rogaine)
Who honestly has the time any more to lounge about at the salon (or barber's) getting their locks lanced? If you hadn't guessed this far into the article, then up your game, it's parents, ya idiot! This is simply another of life's luxuries that we're so cruelly robbed of. But what if I told you that you could take one pill that completely stops any and all hair growth? And not just on your head… You'd probably say I was a madman and to get down off that chair and put some damn pants on, for the love of God. And yet, just such a pill, similar to the supermarket brand painkillers that line your purse can be yours for the low, low price of (price TBC). Sure, it may be 'illegal' in 38 states and potentially toxic to the under 40's, but we urge you to act fast and get in at the ground floor, because this is one lift that's going all the way to the penthouse suite!
So, there you have it, a whole slew of products just itching (in some cases, literally) to be unleashed onto an unsuspecting public. And who knows? Maybe one day these will be so ingrained into your daily routine that you'll wonder how you ever did without them. Although I wouldn't hold your breath, if I'm honest.
