Daddy’s Digest: Hi Rachel! First off, tell us a little about yourself?
Rachel: I’m a middle-aged, single mom of two young kids. I have a great career doing a job I love, I’m typically behind by about three loads of laundry, and I drive a minivan. I love sci-fi, coffee, and singing while driving. Just a pretty typical mom. Oh yea, and I am a submissive in a BDSM relationship
Can you briefly explain what BDSM is?
BDSM is a general category of kink between consenting adults that involves bondage, domination, sadism and/or masochism. Sometimes there is sexual gratification involved, but the participants get gratification from the interaction itself. It can be everything from fuzzy handcuffs and tickling to caning and hog ties.
When did you discover your interest in BDSM?
I first started to get interested when I was a teenager, but I had a relatively tame dating life and wasn’t able to explore it more until I got divorced. For most of my life it was just something I would fantasize about. I was never able to convince any boyfriends to try it with me, despite my best efforts.
This doesn’t sound like a quiet activity, How do you find the time and space to engage in this?
That’s definitely a challenge! My play partner and I are both working parents, so it’s hard to carve out time. I’m fortunate to have a great space for it with no neighbors nearby. Apartments can be challenging. I mean, a gag can help, but yes privacy is pretty crucial. Background music is an excellent idea, too.
Do you feel that your “extra-curricular” activities are something you’ll eventually have to explain to your children some day?
It’s not a conversation I would initiate but I hope that my kids will be comfortable enough to talk to me about everything in their life. If it made sense for me to share my BDSM experience with them to support them somehow, it wouldn’t be off the table. But for now, when they find my “fancy bracelet with Velcro” I’m going to brush right over that topic and find a better hiding spot for my gear!
Obviously your kids are younger, but for parents of older children, how would you explain the difference between a consensual BDSM relationship versus a toxic and abusive relationship?
People get into relationships for so many of the wrong reasons. BDSM relationships are certainly not exempt from this. Consent, boundaries, using our words, listening to others -- those are topics of constant conversation in my house. Right now those conversations are along the lines of “don’t take pictures of mommy when she’s in the bathroom,” and “listen to your sister, she asked you to give her space.”
As they get older, those conversations will grow with them. It’s really important to me that my kids learn how to be respectful of themselves and others. It can be easy to be sidetracked by endorphins whether those are delivered by an amazing kiss or great spanking.
Do you feel that as a submissive, you’re somehow betraying feminist ideals and promoting misogyny?
I absolutely worry about that. I’m a woman in the USA, it’s appropriate for me to worry about misogyny at all times. I’m an outspoken, successful woman who is working to pay my privilege forward. I’m actively raising my kids to continue to advocate for the rights and respect of others. It’s exhausting, necessary work.
Submission allows me to take a short break from that. It’s an alternate universe where the rules are a lot more simple and someone else is in charge.
I’ll go back to raging against the patriarchy tomorrow, I promise.
BDSM likely involves some accoutrements and possibly some marks. Have you had to answer any awkward questions?
I’ve been fortunate to avoid that so far, fingers crossed! I require that marks are only in areas that can be covered with clothing. I’m more likely to get questioned by the burn I got from my woodstove than the cane marks on my tush.
Any advice to parents looking to dabble in the BDSM experience or practice the lifestyle?
As parents there is so much pressure to take care of the other people in your life, and little encouragement for us to take care of ourselves. If this is something you are interested in, I would absolutely encourage you to pursue it.
For me, BDSM has evolved from something I would daydream about to a form of self-care. If you have a partner or spouse it’s a great excuse to watch videos together and talk about what you want to try. If you are looking for play partner, trust your instincts, especially if something doesn’t feel right. Most importantly, enjoy yourself! Two consenting adults can have all sorts of fun with a little imagination.
Thank you to Rachel for giving us some insights into the BDSM experience, when you are also a parent.