Bullying: Please Don't Look the Other Way

It goes without saying that it’s difficult for any parent to come to terms with the fact that their child may in fact be a bully; or at the very least, may be engaging in bullying behaviour. Bullies don’t always take the form of out-and-out ringleaders. In fact, more often than not, bullying behaviour is perpetrated by the ringleader’s by-standers – hoping to solidify popularity and support among their peers. Where any child is concerned – never underestimate the siren song of popularity. All kids want to be liked by their peers – and most will do whatever it takes to acquire this acceptance – no matter the cost.

The tricky thing about bullies is that they can actually be perfectly sweet kids. I remember a little boy in my son’s kindergarten class – he was a polite, well-mannered, well-behaved kid in almost all respects – except when it came to one particular boy in the class. Honestly, had someone told me that this kid was capable of exhibiting such targeted and cruel behaviour, I would have heartily denied it. Except I was a regular volunteer within the classroom and I witnessed it myself. Suffice it to say that this particular incident was especially eye-opening to me.

I will admit that the “b” word is tossed around quite frequently – to the point that it is often over-used and mis-used. Kids can be mean, they may fight and argue and say unkind things to one another – but this behaviour doesn’t automatically fall under the bully umbrella.

In terms of behaviour being classified as bullying – it needs to be aggressive and repetitious. It also typically involves a power imbalance – whether real or perceived.

We’ve all heard bully horror stories, we’ve witnessed bullying, been a part of it, tried to stop it, been a victim of it ourselves. It’s everywhere. Unfortunately, there’s still a lot of misinformation surrounding it.

Here are nine little known facts about bullying:

Bullying most often occurs at school.
Smaller and/or private schools still face the same levels of bullying on average as found in larger schools.
In children, bullying is often worse between Grades 5 and 8. It typically tends to diminish by the time a child reaches Grade 10.
Boys generally experience more direct forms of bullying (physical, verbal) while girls tend to face indirect forms (rumours, exclusion).
Believing that bullies suffer from low self-esteem is an outdated myth. Oftentimes, they are actually confident, secure individuals.
Anyone can be bullied. There is no such thing as a victim persona that will inevitably lead to a person being bullied.
No matter what anyone says or thinks, bullying is not a normal childhood rite of passage.
The term zero tolerance is a ridiculous one. Hearing this statement uttered by school administrators makes my blood boil. Where bullying is concerned, zero tolerance is nothing more than lip service designed to give people a false sense of security. If schools want to take bullying seriously (and they should) – then they need to do away with this meaningless blanket statement.
Last fact – and this is the most important one of them all. It does not take much to make a difference in a bullied person’s life: Kind words, spending time together, listening; as a parent, as a peer, as a friend. Just knowing that someone sees them as a person deserving of respect can make all the difference in the world. For a bullying victim, it can mean the difference between life and death.

Signs that your child is a victim of bullying:

They rarely bring friends home
They are reluctant to attend school
They are experiencing sleepless nights
They often take alternative paths to get to school

If and when you witness your child engaging in mean or unkind or disrespectful behaviour that just isn’t nice – do everyone a favour and don’t excuse it. Don’t blame it on hunger or sleepiness; definitely don’t blame the victim for triggering your little angel or for deserving it; don’t look the other way claiming that kids need to work it out on their own; don’t smooth it over with a cliché like “boys will be boys” or “kids can be cruel”. Deal with it and have a conversation with your kid about compassion and kindness. Encourage them to be nice – even if they don’t want to be, even if it’s a challenge for them.