Every summer, Dads trade in their crew socks and sneakers for Crocs and head to the beach with their families. Here is a list of the 15 distinct types of dads you’ll see on the beach.
The 15 Dads You’ll Meet on the Beach
Every summer, Dads trade in their crew socks and sneakers for Crocs and head to the beach with their families. Here is a list of the 15 distinct types of dads you’ll see on the beach.
The Homesteader
This dad is up at the crack of dawn to secure the perfect spot. He utilizes his balancing skills learned from a lifetime of Jenga and Tetris to load of the beach cart with a combination of beach canopies, umbrellas, chairs, tents, sand toys, coolers, etc. You name it and, he’s got it with him. He is fiercely territorial of his space, allowing none of those “late risers” to intrude within 10 feet of his established compound without a stern look of disapproval and a passive aggressive comment just loud enough to make any usurpers slightly uncomfortable.
The Beached Dad
He made it to the beach. He has his chair. He is sitting in his chair. Come find him when it’s time to load the car to go home.
The Gotta Do it All Dad
This dad cannot sit still. Kids want to swimming, he’s on it. Cornhole, Can Jam, Football, Bocci? He’s first in line. If it’s a family trip, not only is he the Gotta Do it All Dad, he’s the Fun Uncle, as well. He’s a bundle of energy and a barrel of laughs. He’s the family jungle gym, and the first one buried in the sand by a pack of unruly preschoolers.
The Metal Detector Dad
You can find this dad rocking a pair of giant headphones with a metal detector in one hand and a small shovel in the other. Over the last four years, he’s found 3 keys and $3.76 cents in change, but since reading that a friend of a friend of one of the guys in his online forum found a pocket watch from 1957, his hobby has moved to an obsession.
The Mayor of the Beach
This dad has been coming to the same beach every summer for the last two decades. He’s on a first name basis with the lifeguards and is quick to share a smile and a wave to his “constituents.” Need to know the best place in town for a pizza? He’ll tell you where. Kid’s boogie board broke? Don’t worry, he’s got a guy, just mention that he sent you. He knows the best spot in town for breakfast and has ordered the same meal there every summer for the last 4 decades. Someday, they’ll dedicate a bench on the boardwalk in his honor.
The Photographer
The only thing this dad needs to make his family vacation complete is the perfect family photo. He’s constantly attempting to capture some precious family memories, and his family having fun is not going to stand in the way of that. He’s got a $1400 camera that he’s never taken off the “auto” setting, and he swears that it takes better pictures than your iPhone in portrait mode.
Can’t Stop Working Dad
This dad may have left the office, but it doesn’t mean he’s on vacation. He’ll head down to the beach, but he just needs to return a few emails. He’s covertly wearing his earbuds, listening to the weekly staff meeting, despite the fact that he told everyone he’s listening to a podcast. It’s the morning of the second day, and he’s already called the office twice “just to check in.”
Lives in the Ocean Dad
From the time his family gets to the beach until the time they leave, this dad is in the ocean. The only time you’ll see this dad’s waist above the water is low tide. He’s constantly being whistled at by the lifeguards for being too far out. He’ll occasionally send the kids up to their mom to fetch him more sunscreen.
The Party Dad
This dad turns the beach into his own personal Jimmy Buffet concert. Alcohol prohibited on the beach? Don’t worry about it, he’s purchased everyone their own fake can covers to turn their Bud Light into Coke as far as the unsuspecting eyes of the beach patrol are concerned. He’s easy to spot since his beach spot is decked out with everything from Christmas lights to pirate flags. He’s by far the loudest dad on the beach.
The Gotta Dig a Hole Dad
He doesn’t know why, but from the moment this Dad’s feet hit the sand, he has one mission…to dig a hole.
The Chatty Dad
Want to read a book? This dad wants to know how work is going. Cousin wants to take a nap on the beach? He wants to know whatever happened to that boy she used to bring around. Want to listen to a little music? He needs to know how your first year of college went. If the family is getting along and having a great time enjoying each other’s company, he wants to talk about politics.
The Complainer
The water is too cold. The sun is too hot. The beach is too sandy. It’s too crowded. The ice cream at the beach is too expensive. The lifeguards are too strict. Party Dad’s music is too loud, and the Homesteader is taking up too much space. If you think it’s the perfect day at the beach, don’t you worry, he’ll find a reason to complain.
The Gadget Dad
Need to know when high tide is going to be? Don’t worry, this dad has a device that will provide you an up to the minute update. Need to know what the water temperature is? He’s got it all on the latest weather app on his brand new iPad. He doesn’t leave the house without at least a half dozen devices and complains about the internet service out on the beach. Just listen to the clarity of Neil Diamond’s voice on his state of the art Bluetooth speaker, much better than the 1997 Sony Boombox that Party Dad is blasting “Margaritaville” on.
Fitness Dad
This dad is proud of his body and finally has found a place where it’s socially acceptable not to wear a shirt for the majority of the day. He organizes family sunrise yoga which everybody but him hates. He’s constantly asking Gotta Do It all Dad and Gotta Dig a Hole Dad if they want to go for a run. The beach is just one more place to do pushups. Party Dad is constantly annoyed that Fitness Dad keeps using his margarita blender to make his protein shakes.
Grandpa
Grandpa has seen it all, and done it all, but he just doesn’t really remember it all. He’s content to sit in his beach chair and read his book on World War II airplanes. He’s the first one to turn on the coffee pot in the morning and always springs for ice cream for his grandkids (with a look that dares Fitness Dad to object to his kid having sugar.) He’s the only dad on the beach in sneakers. He loves to look at the magazine showcasing beach real estate despite having no intention of ever buying a beach house. Nothing makes Grandpa happier than watching his grandkids play in the waves.
